Growing Old

I'm 19 today. I can't believe it. I remember when I was just 7 and thought that 19 was as old as you get. 19 is a serious age. 18 is when you finally are old enough to be considered an adult but 19 is when you are legitimately an adult. Its a little scary but exciting at the same time. People will take me seriously now because I'm notjust some 18 year old who thinks he can speak his mind cause now he's an "adult".

Goals for the Summer

1. Buy $100 worth of disposable cameras and use them up before I leave again for school.
2. Sleep outside as much as I can.
3. Write a song, no matter how good or bad it is, about someone/something I love.
4. Tell everyone in my life that I truly love, "I love you."
5. Make a nice fancy dinner for Danielle with red wine and everything.
6. Make a CD of my 15 absolute favorite songs of all time and put it away in a safe place so I may have it when I'm older (music says a lot about a person, so if I can remember years from now my favorite songs, maybe I'll stay young).
7. Play golf AT LEAST once a week. Summer of sophomore year I'll be interning = NO GOLF.
8. Lay outside and look at the stars as much as I can, see if I can identify constellations and make up my own.
9. Eat out as much as I can at my favorite resteraunts.
10. Teach my little brother how to play golf.
11. Take my niece and nephew to the park once a week.

The Longest Sentence

While trying to write the longest sentence I have ever written I am apprehensive about how many things may get in my way, like a periods because every time one feels like they finish a thought an automatic twitch of the right ring finger shoots towards the period button but the sentence must go on this is only the fifth line and still the writer may be struggling dearly with that terrible twitch in their right hand ring finger while also trying to keep their train of thought on the sentence once the writer stops writing that could be eat, the ebb and flow of the sentence may be lost so the author struggle to find even more pertinent material to throw into their sentence because still it is only seventh line and that does not seem to be intimidating enough as the longest sentence ever there must be a sentence longer than just seven lines anyone can write a seven line sentence but not everyone can write longer than that so the writer surges on the writer continues their quest when all of a sudden the cramps come and their fingers hurt and the difficulties exponentially grow the twitch in the finger, the struggle for material and the hand cramps are just compounding and the author starts to sweat heavily in the palms of their hands and now loses all control of the sentence they realize it has gotten wildly out of control and couldn't stop iif they wanted to because now their hands are on autopilot and there is no more thinking just typing and the ring finger doesn't know the period button exisits anymore it is about as useful as the F12 button at the top of the keyboard that seemingly does nothing but for some reason the author had always been afraid to venture out to see what it does because like anyone they have a fear of the unknown for all he knows the F12 is a detonator that self destructs the computer and then his glorious run on sentence will be gone lost forever without anyone ever getting to read it like a marathon sentence just longing for the period to come so that the reader can at least blink at least get some sort of complete thought out of the sentence but when they get they realize that not much has been said and they realize that the fewest of words can be more meaningful than this dreadful marathon sentence that seems to be a waste on ones times to read OR write but when the author finally realizes that his sentence is as long as it will get there is a feeling of relief inside and finally the twitch is satiated. Now in that huge sentence not one truly meaningful thing was said. Not one thing was said to even slightly change ones life. But its funny how 1 or 2 words can change someone completely. The first time I told my girlfriend "I love you" it changed her life she knew I wasn't just some idiot guy that just like having a girlfriend, not I was her idiot guy that only liked having HER as my girlfriend. There are so many words in the English language that are just so powerful and people just need to think about them and appreciate what they are and what they mean to use them. When you want to say something, say it. If you have nothing to say, keep your run on nonsense sentences to yourself because you're just wasting everyone's time.

Spinning

My head has been spinning. I have had a very busy two weeks. I have been thinking about so much. So many things that are so important right now, but one year from now I may not even remember these things, even though the decisions I make on them may affect greatly where I am in a year. To me it has seemed like so many things are way too important to too many people. When I think about the people that have changed the way I live I don't think about what clothes they wore or what their GPA was in school. I don't care whether or not they were gay, straight, black, white or yellow. What matters most to me in the world is the type of person you are and what kind of character you possess. Not everyone is going to change the world.

Childhood Freewrite

I am eating a Dixie cup from the ice cream man on my living room couch. It is Friday night and there is no party, no girls, no bars or trouble. Here I am safe from the world again unlike the passed years of my life. The wooden taste of the spoon brings me back and I’m playing kickball again. I’m watching TGIF, Boy Meets World, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. My parents have friends over and I’m watching an R rated movie. I don’t know where my brothers are and what are cell phones? My grandparents just left and I got the word in the Bonus round of Wheel of fortune. I hope moms not making London broil tomorrow night. I hope I get N64 for Christmas. I hope Billy is in my class when school starts. I’m hungry Mom can you make me popcorn. Why don’t I have the same math homework as my friends? What is the big deal about sports center can we put on saved by the bell? I hope Beave comes over before school and plays ninja turtles. I can’t wait until I get out as early as Timmy from high school. I’m never going to be able to dribble between my legs like my brother can he can be in the NBA I think. My dad is the strongest person I know. I hope my grandpa takes me to the park tomorrow I love hide and go seek. Tell me another story about Ireland. Why’d they kill that guy and how come America won’t just help Ireland? I miss my sister. I’m gonna send her a dollar in the mail she always tells mom how she’s always broke up at college I hope she’ll be OK. Brian has chocolate milk fountains in college its amazing how do they have chocolate milk fountains I want to go to college? I want to be able to do what my brothers do I want the things they want. But now I’m done with my Dixie Cup and I get a call from Mike. Everyone’s headed up to Monahan’s. I’m throwing on a sweater, borrow $20 from my brother and now owe him $60 and I’m out the door. See you tomorrow ma. I give my Dad a pound and laugh. My dad weighs 30lbs less than me my parents haven’t had friends over in a long time. Danny calls me from his friend’s phone and wants me to buy him beers. After the bar I get a cab to Danielle’s house because she’s all I want to see. Danielle, she makes me feel like I’m eating a Dixie Cup again. She doesn’t care how much money I owe anyone or how much work I have to do. She doesn’t care if I have bad grades or if I have a bad day on the golf course. It’ll be OK she says. You’ll figure it out, you’ll do better next time, and you’ll get the money somehow. It doesn’t matter to her she’s just happy she’s with me. I wake up with a headache and she offers me an Advil that she knows I won’t take. She just doesn’t like to see me in pain. I pull her as close as possible and just press my cheek to hers. There is no better medicine. All my problems and worries are gone this is all I need. I don’t care about the money, the grades or the golf I care about her. I’ll figure everything out I’ll get back on my feet. It’s amazing how one person can make you feel. Its amazing how feeling like a kid again helps me face life’s problems. Just yesterday I didn’t know how I would get through the mess I’m in. It’s a piece of cake as I get out of bed and ask her if she wants to get breakfast. She’s unbelievable. She loves me.

Pig

There is a song from the Dave Matthews Band called "Pig". For some reason its just been ringing through my head all week. I think its because I have been feeling overwhelmed with midterms and I have not been doing too well with my grades. The song is a warning to all listeners about the dangers of taking things for granted. My favorite line in the song comes after Matthews, the lead singer, belts out at the top of his lungs a few lines about the importance of love in every situation. The line is "Don't burn the day away". I really love this line because with everything else going on in the song he repeats this the same way every time, with no instruments playing in the background and all your attention is brought to this one line. Matthews, in doing this, warns the listeners by bringin so much attention to this simple phrase, that there are many way to waste a day but no matter what every single day should be lived to the fullest with love in our hearts and trying to find love in all people and places. Throughout the song he talks about simple things, like a starry night, skipping stones on a lake, and dancing alone with a lover, that if your hearts full of love at least you're living life. Nothing can be taken for granted and everything we do should be to the fullest. He is sick and tired of all the people in the world that have so much and complain about not having enough and calls these people "pigs". He believes that appreciating life and having love in your life is what makes a person truly happy and not what type of things they own. Greed can consume and Matthews tries dearly to warn his audience of this.

Home

I'm going home this weekend for my birthday and I cannot wait. I love being with everyone in my family and all of my friends. There's a song by OAR called "I Feel Home" that I learned to play on the uitar and everytime I play/listen to it I almost get choked up because it reminds me so much of that feeling of being home. Where everything is just so comfortable. Everyone is friendly with everyone and even if there is a fight or misunderstanding things can get resolved so quickly and easily because eveyrone has known everyone else for so long that they know no matter what the fight is over its not worth losing a friend. I love the feeling of just hangin out in someones back yard drinkin and listening to music with a couple friends just relaxing. I feel like that is something much harder to do up at college/with people that you are not so familar with. I feel that at college there are very few people with whom I feel close enough to, to have a genuinely good time just sitting around BS-ing. At home no one gets bored with each other, we could do the same thing every single night and no one would complain once, and even if someone did complain they know inside that there's no place they'd rather go. My friends at home are like my second family, they would take care of me no matter what my problem is no matter what I needed they'd do it at the drop of a hat. Its a mutual understanding, a mutual trust, a mutual love that everyone of my friends shares.
I also can't wait to see my family. My little brother is getting so old. I feel like he's still in like 5th grade tearin it up in CYO basketball with his goofy braces and glasses, but he's not anymore. He's 14 going on 15 this year and he starting to really fill out. He's already about as tall as me and is starting to do the things that I was doing when I was a freshman. I get so scared for him that I'm not going to be able to protect him while I'm up at college. I'm sure he'll be fine throughout high school but I still get that feeling like what happens if someone bullies him and I'm not there? I know he'll be fine he's just as strong of a person as I was but I still worry because he is my baby brother and ever since he was little no matter how many fights we got in everytime I saw him feel any sort of pain it ripped me apart that I oculdn't do anything to help him.
It should be a really fun trip home. All my friends are going to come home so that we can all see each other and catch up. I'll be able to see all of them and then finally get to see my little Mikie and Maggie (my nephew and niece). They are so cute, Mikie is getting bigger and smarter everyday and I love the 5 second jibberish conversations I have with him on the phone that end with something resembling "I love you" and a kiss on the mouthpiece. I can't wait to hold little Maggie she must be getting bigger now, too. She is more gorgeous everytime I see her I don't know why my sister is so spoiled to have two such perfect children. I also get to see my Rusty dog. He's the most loving dog ever its amazing. As soon as I come hom he goes wild and whenever I sit/lay on my bed he always jumps up and lays with me. He makes me feel home just as much as anyone. And of course I get to see my mom and dad. I feel like they worry aout me as much as I worry about my little brother while I'm away. I have been feeling very overwhelmed and lonely lately and seeing them will give me a lot of confidence I believe. Only 4 more nights of sleeping in my dorm room then I get to go home it should be great. No, it will be great.